I have observed two classic types of spiritual abusers. The more common type is the leader who feels insignificant and seeks significance by gaining dominion over others. He or she is plagued by inner doubts and fears. This person may have been personally wounded by spiritual abuse in the past and may grab power as a form of self -defense. There may be no conscious desire to hurt; the injuries to others are by-products of this person's quest to "become somebody" while protecting him or herself.
Power-seeking ministers attempting to compensate for a sense of inner weakness will often put their heel on the necks of those under their authority. Leaders who secretly think themselves unqualified often wield a heavier hand than those who are secure. Some lack a healthy sense of independence; their abusive tactics may stem from the prodding of a spouse, friends or denominational leaders.
Church leadership is attractive to these needy people because of the authority uncritically afforded them. The office of Christian leader carries with it the authority of "the man or woman of God." The prestige of Christian ministers has declined drastically in Western culture, but it is still significant in many circles. In no other occupation (except the military) can a person move into town and immediately gain significant influence over a large number of people. The pulpit allows preachers to enjoy undivided attention week after week without interruption or challenge. Beyond the derived authority of the pulpit, pastors hold power over others through their roles as spiritual adviser, counsellor, administrator and CEO. They may also control significant sums of money. No wonder some develop into ecclesiastical autocrats.
When this powerful person is also very insecure, with a fear of failure and poor impulse control, he or she may prove dangerous. It is ironic but nevertheless widely acknowledged among counsellors that abusers often share the same troubled histories as those they hurt. Someone like Karen may respond to her debilitating childhood experiences by gravitating toward people who perpetuate their own experience of abuse. Others with backgrounds similar to hers may respond by protecting themselves against future abuse and seizing the role of the controller. Since abusive relationships are all they know, they continue in that type of relationship but in a different role.
A friend of mine is the director of a large Christian counselling group. His staff of over thirty counsellors sees hundreds of clients from dozens of churches each year. He tells me that it is easy for his group of counsellors to track the churches in the area that are spiritually manipulating people. Once a week all the staff gather to report on the sessions with their clients during the previous week. Often several of them report meeting with different clients from the same churches and with the same problems. They have seen over the years that most legalistic, authoritarian and controlling churches produce the bulk of their caseloads. They have determined that troubled people often gravitate to the churches that exacerbate their emotional problems.
My friend also told me that the pastors of these abusive churches often come to him for help. He is impressed by the fact that the perpetrators of abuse usually struggle with the very same inner conflicts as those they hurt. As the cliché goes, "Hurt people hurt people." Hurt people in positions of power often misuse that power to control and manipulate those they feel threatened by. They do so to create a sense of order and personal safety.
I recall several years ago that I was tempted to fall into this very pattern. I'd been serving a large church as pastor. The congregation was well established and had traditionally been controlled by a board of elders. The elders and I differed on many issues, matters of ministry and policy which were important to me. I felt that they were thwarting my attempts to lead the church. (Again, it's clear that spiritual abuse does not always come from the pastor. It may come from anyone in any group that has power.) I would not classify the elders' handling of me or their rule over the church as extremely abusive, but it certainly was oppressive.
Following a particularly contentious elders' meeting, I vowed never again to put myself under the control of such men. Had I been more wounded or lacking in personal resources, I might have left that position and found a group where I could have functioned more as a dictator. Fortunately, my next assignment offered much more freedom and a group of elders with whom I shared the same philosophy of ministry. That inner vow was never acted on.
A friend who is a repented spiritual abuser told me how he became one. He described his childhood as "religious but void of acceptance or approval" When he left home, he searched for a place where he could feel significant. He also wanted a job where people needed him. He gravitated to the professional Christian ministry (an all too common story). He explained how in his first church he quickly gathered about him those parishioners who met his needs, those who supported him uncritically. "In time," he said, "I established a class system, with my supporters at the top and those who posed a threat to my leadership at the bottom. This system aided me in the delusion that I was doing the right things."
My friend then told me the pain and destruction he inflicted on those at the bottom and how he trained those at the top to follow his abusive style. He was finally delivered from his compulsion to control others by a deeper understanding of God's mercy and grace. He has now publicly repented and is seeking to undo the damage. The gospel in all its truth and power is the only cure for the abuser as well as for the Karens of this world. Until they encounter the real gospel, they will seek and find each other. The person habituated to receiving abuse needs the abuser as much as the abuser needs his or her victims. The abuser needs someone to master; the victim needs someone to master him or her. Victims think of themselves as deserving abusive treatment. Abusers see themselves as entitled to deliver the mistreatment that the victims feel is due. When the abuser and the victim find each other, they create a sick symbiosis currently called co dependence.
The abuser finds comfort in being God to someone. The victim finds security in being swallowed up by someone else's need. Neither may consciously want the pain that results. Pain is simply the price that must be paid. The payment, however, puts each participant more and more in debt. Only by declaring total and permanent bankruptcy and depending wholly on God's mercy and grace can either find life and dignity and a way out. Only by dying to the counterfeit comfort and security found in abusive, co-dependent relationships can each of them find true freedom and the right kind of independence.
The second classic type of spiritual abuser is the heroic, grandiose or messianic narcissist who is obsessed by a desire to be someone great or to do something unprecedented for God. Carrying out this fantasy requires the cooperation of others and access to their money. Like the first type, this leader may not consciously wish to hurt anyone; but others are hurt as they are used for the leader's and God's "higher purposes."
Sometimes the first and second category of leader combine in one person. The most obvious examples are the major cult leaders. In the political realm, a defective ego combined with a messianic complex and access to great power produces a Hitler, a Mussolini or a Stalin.
Like the first type of abusive leader, narcissistic abusers are very complicated. In some ways they are even more dangerous than the insecure abusers, because they appear so virtuous, so committed, so gifted and sold out to God. They are also more dangerous because they are determined not just to protect themselves but to have themselves worshiped. They want more than just a safe place for themselves: they want themselves glorified.
The potential for adult narcissism has roots ill our childhoods. Most little boys (and I am told, some little girls) go through a narcissistic stage where they imagine themselves performing heroic feats for those they look up to. I know I did. I can vividly remember rehearsing in my six-year-old mind a dramatic rescue of my family and my first grade teacher, Miss Trimble, from a burning building. Superman and Tarzan were my models. This is a stage that time and reality temper in most people.
But heroic leaders have never outgrown their childhood fantasies. The soul of the true narcissist has managed to withstand the process of maturation. Adult narcissists cling to the dream of one day doing something truly exceptional and unprecedented for adoring fans and for God. They fantasize about writing a bestseller that will change the course of church history, or Evangelizing the nation, or establishing the one true church, or alleviating world hunger, or becoming a commander in God's end-times army. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance. They feel entitled to unlimited success. They believe that they deserve human adulation as well as divine favour.
Narcissistic leaders tend to devalue others in order to maintain their exaggerated sense of self-importance. They may become frustrated or annoyed at others' pain if it gets in the way of their own wants. Narcissistic leaders are not just cunning con artists. They really believe they are entitled to public greatness and that the needs of others around them are of no importance.
They are potentially dangerous because they need followers to applaud their vision and virtues and to justify their actions. Their greatest fear in life is being unimportant, nameless and faceless.
The most accessible platform for such a leader, sadly, is the pulpit. His initial session behind the pulpit may be the first time he ever experiences the attention and power he craves. If he is truly gifted and is willing to work hard, he sees the possibility of realizing his dream. When a measure of that dream is realized and the messianic leader finally tastes the power he craves, he wants more of it. It becomes a kind of addiction.
In order to achieve the public support he needs, these leaders often make extraordinary claims for themselves or have others make them in their behalf. Such claims may include a special anointing, unusual personal sacrifice, unprecedented encounters with God, unique training, a singular teaching or leadership gift, a revelation of truth that is not available to others, or secret knowledge of God's end-times purposes. These and other claims imply that God has a special calling on this leader, and so it is the "un-special" people's duty to admire and follow him, which they often do in droves.
Messianic claims to greatness are often crude and straightforward, but sometimes they are more subtle. I recently overheard a messianic-type leader preaching to his congregation from Hebrews 13:17: "Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account." The essence of his message was that the church had to obey him and submit to him; otherwise he would have to give an account. If they did not obey and submit, he explained, God would judge him and send him to hell. I was not only amazed at his terrible exegesis and exaggerated sense of self-importance, but stunned that his congregation bought it! They left muttering to one another that now they really must try to become more obedient and submissive.
Once the leader's claims to specialness and importance are established, it becomes very difficult for mere followers to challenge him. In time, this leader breaks free of all accountability. This enables him to act as he pleases while exercising control over followers.
But it's not always easy to keep control. People have needs of their own, and sooner or later they feel them and want them met. The messianic leader tries to keep them from acknowledging or expressing their needs by promising them something better in the future. In order to subvert them from living honestly today, he promises them, "Revival is just around the corner," or "The great move of God is just ahead." Keeping his followers out of touch with today enables him to continue operating in his own interest.
Another tactic of keeping people out of touch with the present is to foment confusion, punctuated by crisis. Policies may be handed down and programs launched which seem to fit no coherent pattern. Prophecies are given that conflict with the ones uttered last week, but no explanation is offered. The resulting turmoil keeps people from finding out what is really going on. This serves to cover up the fact that almost no productive activity may be occurring and that the little that does happen requires an inordinate amount of effort. Because no one (except those at the top) knows what is happening, gossip is rampant.
Crisis is sometimes needed to further muddy the waters. Enemies - demonic, political, or ecclesiastical - are invented to promote an "us-versus-them" siege mentality. The leader often sounds as if his group is at war with the world. This keeps followers looking outward so that they will have no energy or will to examine their own painful emotions and broken relationships.
A most effective means of control for a messianic leader is to convince his followers that they are on an extraordinary mission with him. If a leader successfully convinces his followers that he is the unique instrument of God, that makes them unique by virtue of their support of him. This group may say or imply such things as "We are a special move of God," "We are the only group proclaiming truth," "We are the faithful remnant," "We are God's cutting edge for this generation," or "We are in training for God's end-times army."
Once this attitude is rooted in a group, the combination of pride and fear keeps followers in formation. Everyone wants to feel special, and some get hooked on the exhilaration of being part of an elite. Others fear leaving lest they miss God's will and be accused of deserting his special calling. This leads us to the question of who gets hooked by messianic leaders and who volunteers for the abuse they inflict.
Most of us want heroes. We want someone who understands and is able to cope with a world that is so obviously out of control. We want a father or a big brother to lean on-someone to co-sign for our lives. If we think we have found him, we will give him incredible power and latitude. We are likely to overlook his mistakes, rationalize his inconsistencies and excuse his sins against us. We may act as if it is a privilege to be used and misused for his noble cause. We would rather be compliant victims than be on our own and part of nothing important. The sacrifice of our individuality is a small price to pay for being part of his special group.
The young and idealistic are especially vulnerable to messiahs. They have lived long enough to know that the world, including their own lives, is a mess, but they have not lived long enough to realize that any solution is complex. The self-designated messiahs give easy, black-and-white answers to problems.
Youth who are conscious of their weakness gravitate to leaders who seem to possess wisdom and strength. They may feel powerless against temptation and sin and want someone to make decisions and prescribe boundaries for them. They want the true New Testament church, where things are done right. The immature want someone to be mature and certain for them.
Young people are also drawn to a cause. It may seem noble to them to submit to extreme religious demands in order to "make a difference." The idea of being one of God's chosen is intoxicating. But escape may be part of the attraction. Submitting to a cause, just like taking drugs or alcohol, is an escape from growing up and establishing a personal identity.
Lack of sophistication is also a hazard for the young and inexperienced. They have not had enough experience with people in general, and leaders in particular, to make good judgments about them. If a leader claims to know the answers and acts sure of himself, young people may believe him. If a messianic leader takes for himself the "seat of Moses," they may let him have it.
As previously noted, the messianic leader promises something in the future to subvert honest living today. Yet some of his followers' needs finally become so acute that they are forced to make a change. If they conquer their pride in being part of a spiritual elite and rise above the fear of missing God's will, they may still be kept in line by another force. They may reason, "I have already invested so much in this leader and group-I can't abandon my investment. Maybe in time it really will payoff, and it will all be worth it."
Continuing to invest in a loser is a common phenomenon. An investor who gets emotionally hooked by a stock may continue buying it even though it is doomed. Someone who has sunk a lot of money into a used car may continue to pay for repairs that cost much more than the car is worth. A wife or a child may cling to a relationship with an alcoholic or a drug addict in hope that one day he will snap out of it. In the same way, some followers continue to support a leader who hurts them; they hope against hope that he will finally deliver.
Unless there is conversion and repentance, such leaders never do make good on their promises. The only messiah who ever delivered is Jesus Christ. All the others disappoint.
In the early chapters of this book we learned from Jesus to identify and reject spiritual abuse. And this can help us recognize good leadership when we see it. If we turn Jesus' negative comments about abusive leaders into positive statements, we have a start on defining leadership that is healthy and non-abusive.
Abusive leaders, according to Jesus, take for themselves authority and power based on position and office (Mt 23:2, 7). By contrast, healthy leaders shun honorific titles and are effective in caring for the needs of God's people. It is by servant leadership that the non-abusive leader exercises influence.
Abusive leaders oppress and manipulate men and women by tying up heavy loads and laying them on their shoulders (Mt 23:4). They multiply rules and regulations to induce guilt and shame in their followers in order to control them. Non-abusive leaders lift those burdens off, directing their followers to Jesus Christ for rest and for "yokes" that are light and fit well (Mt 11:28-30).
Abusive leaders do everything for show (Mt 23:5). They take exalted titles, demand special privileges and insist on playing by different rules (Mt 23:6-7). They flaunt external symbols of spirituality, but on the inside they are spiritually dead. They use words deceitfully for self-promotion. It is more important for them to look and sound like men and women of God than to actually be men and women of God (Mt 23:16-2?). Healthy leaders, by contrast, spend no time or energy on their image. They live simply and transparently before people. They say what they mean and mean what they say (Mt 5:37).
Abusive leaders invert spiritual values; they major on minor issues while minimizing people's significant needs. They are scrupulous religious performers while neglecting justice and mercy (Mt 23:23-24). Non-abusive leaders, on the other hand, stand ready to jettison religious protocol when it conflicts with real human need. They major on majors (Mt 12:9-13).
Abusive leaders slam the door of the kingdom of God in the faces of men and women (Mt 23:13) by denying the full messianic ministry of Jesus or by teaching that it costs something to get. In contrast, healthy leaders swing wide the doors of the kingdom of God, proclaiming that it is all free to us by grace through faith in the King.
Those who cultivate abusive leadership styles often do so out of deep personal need. Most authoritarians are fearful and insecure. Since they feel threatened, they seek to create safe environments for themselves by maintaining control over others. By contrast, healthy leaders know God's free forgiveness and lavish acceptance through Christ and so are able to love, accept and serve others from that position of strength.
Some abusive leaders use people in their quest for personal heroics, because their goal in life is to become someone great. Non-abusive leaders make obedience to God and meeting other people's legitimate needs their aim in life. If heroism is required in the course of service, a true leader is up to this by the power of God. But any prominence gained through heroic service is incidental.
So examining the negative characteristics of abusive leaders has given us a start on identifying the positive attributes of healthy leaders. Now let's take a broader look at New Testament teachings on leadership.
Many of us who debate the structure and function of church government are surprised when we read what the New Testament actually teaches on this subject. The New Testament writers seem oddly relaxed regarding church government and leadership. Unlike us, they appear to have little interest in determining who is in charge and how decisions are made. What is mentioned on these subjects is so ambiguous that earnest Bible students draw radically conflicting conclusions from the texts. Such diverse groups as Roman Catholic, Plymouth Brethren, Anglican, Baptist, Presbyterian and Pentecostal all look to the same New Testament passages in support of their opposing ecclesiastical structures. This should cause us to pause before asserting what the Bible "clearly teaches" regarding church order and leadership.
The government and leadership structures of the early church may not have been rigidly defined and standardised. One thing is clear, however, and that is that the church during the New Testament era rejected hierarchy as its basic governmental structure. In Matthew 20:25 Jesus told his followers, "The rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them." That is to say, the world structures its institutions hierarchically, with those who rule dominating those who are ruled. He went on to say, "Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant" (v26). That is to say, it is good to desire greatness, but in the church, greatness is the reward of effective servanthood.
Jesus himself was a spiritual leader with his own group of followers. He was among them as one who served. He washed their feet. He laid down his life for them. Jesus' teaching and example of servant leadership were revolutionary. The leader served his followers! No other religious or political figure in history had ever done that.
The book of Acts and the Epistles reveal that the early church enacted Jesus' egalitarian ideal. In the New Testament church, leaders were among the people and serving them. Over the years, however, the primitive! church gradually fell back into the hierarchical structures that Jesus had condemned. In time, the old way of ruling over the people again became the norm.
Ecclesiastical hierarchies (then and now) are founded on a sharp distinction between clergy and laity. The professional ministry (clergy) exists apart from the people (laity). The clergy play by different rules. They have different privileges, answer to a different set of expectations and are judged by different standards of conduct. The clergy are thought of as having privileged access to God's higher wisdom. While spiritual leaders protest such assumptions, their unspoken signals often contradict their words. The laity may indeed conduct activities labelled "ministry." But the real "ministry" is often ferociously defended and jealously guarded.
This difference gives leaders the high ground in ecclesiastical hierarchies and automatically affords them the power to manipulate and control those beneath them. The clergy/laity distinction is essential to the construction of hierarchies which often become abusive. A friend who knew that I was writing on spiritual abuse sent me a copy of the constitution of a Midwestern church. Under the heading "Principles of Church Order" I read, "The relationship of Pastor/members is not one of equality but of authority. The Pastor rules over the members just as a shepherd rules over his sheep, a father over his children and a king over his citizens."
If this distinction between leader and led were dissolved, it would help clean up the environment in which spiritual abuse thrives. The right and most effective way of doing this is simply to read the New Testament and let the text speak for itself. It becomes apparent that there was no hierarchy of any kind in the early church.
The absence of hierarchical structures in the New Testament church is a radical departure not only from the world but also from the way God's people were organised in the Old Testament. Under the Old Covenant, the people of God were structured in a hierarchy with elite male leadership at the top (prophet, priest, king and the like). These leaders existed apart from the people with their own set of rules, privileges and expectations. The defining mark of these prophet-priest-king leaders was the anointing of the Holy Spirit. In fact, most Old Testament saints did not have the Holy Spirit. The Spirit was given only to a very few elder male leaders. So in Old Testament times, this privileged relationship with the Holy Spirit set leaders apart from the people.
On the Day of Pentecost, the Old Covenant (clergy-laity) distinction dissolved as the Holy Spirit was poured out on all of God's people. The event had been predicted in Joel 2:28-29, and Peter recognized that the Pentecost outpouring was the fulfillment of Joel's prophecy: In the last days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams. Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days, and they will prophesy (Acts 2:17-18). In the Old Covenant it was only the Spirit-anointed prophets who could prophesy, but under the New Covenant the prophet-people distinction has disappeared. Now, since God's people all have the Holy Spirit, all are expected to prophesy.
This community experience of the Holy Spirit means that other distinctions on which hierarchies are built also disappear. Not only the old will lead, but also the young. Not just the Jew will speak for God, but also the Gentile. Not only men will minister, but women as well. This is the background for Paul's radically anti-hierarchical statement in 'Galatians 3:28: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." The previous hierarchical structure has been destroyed, and all Christians are made one by the one Spirit we have each received (Eph 4:4-5).
In the New Covenant, leadership offices are not inherited, nor are they awarded to members of a specific class. Ministry function is no longer hierarchical but charismatic (gift-based). The Holy Spirit of the New Covenant is the Spirit of Joel's prophecy, who assigns ministry and leadership functions to whomever he chooses. The Spirit is unconscious of age, race, sex or rank. He gives gifts to whom he will for the common good (1 Cor 12:7-11). Now leadership roles do not denote a special class but rather a particular mode of service. Therefore, leaders "labour among you," as Paul habitually says.
The lack of hierarchical leaders in the local churches that Paul founded is demonstrated by how he constructs his church letters. First of all, Paul does not address the leaders, but writes directly to the church as a whole. When he wants to correct some worship practice, he addresses not the worship leader but the church. When he expresses concern over a pastoral issue, he confronts not the pastors but the people. When he deals with an administrative concern, he directs his words not to the administrators but to the whole congregation. Paul never singles out a clergy class, holding them accountable for church affairs, nor does he make them responsible for carrying out his apostolic directives.
When Paul speaks of specialised spiritual gifts within the body (which includes leadership gifts), he demands absolute parity between them (1 Cor 12:12-26). When he refers specifically to those gifted in leadership, such as apostles and prophets, he speaks of them as servants among the people (Eph 4:11-13) rather than rulers over them.